||Leets are the most loved
critter in the whole of Rubi-Ka and its hard to
resist their childish charm, so naturally, we
sent Twicer out to do some research about them
but he found himself in way over his head when
encountering the small town of Leetville..
Leetville is story series, describing the ongoing
adventures of Twicer as he discovers the wondrous
world of Leetville! Special thanks to numerous
leets and adventurers as well as Nepentheia. No
leets were harmed in this production - Twicer,
on the other hand...
Another day in the field. Twicer was slowly going
insane. Having to study the mating habits of leets
has to be the lowest grade assignment Omni-Tek
has ever thought of. "Be careful" they
had said. Twicer rolled his eyes - what were the
leets going to do? Nibble him to death? He raised
the binoculars to his visor and zoomed in on the
female and male leet behind the rock.
"Yo!" a leet nuzzled up to him and pushed
the binoculars away with its nose. It inched close
while Twicer prayed silently for it to go away.
"Eh.. shoo?" Twicer suggested, whispering
softly so the other leets would not hear him.
The leet tilted its little furry head, looking
Twicer deep in his visor, its eyes brittling with
"Stfu." and bit his nose hard. That's
leet intelligence for you right there.
"OW!" the scream effectively alerting
the other leets to his presence. A rustle of small
pattering feet and Twicer knew the leets were
gone. "Oh bugger..." he sighed. The
leet backed away from Twicer's face a bit. It
was a fairly big leet, its eyes were fixated on
Twicers and a black diamondshaped black furry
patch adorned the leets forehead.
"You spying on us?" the leet asked happily.
"Me? No.. I just err.."
"You're spying on us!" the leet looked
at Twicer, winking conspiratorially.
"Look, I'm just.. Here, what will it take
to make you look the other way? Candy? Leets love
"I'm Skittle!" chirped the leet happily,
its attention span swinging wildly into another
"Okay?" Twicer replied, a bit surprised
at this sudden turn in conversation.
"They call me that cuz I don't give a skit!"
"Wh.. OW! Why'd you bite me?!" Twicer
groaned while grasping his nose with his hands.
"Gonna say bad things about Skittle!"
the leet harrumphed and squinted with its little
eyes but failed to look threatening - at best
Skittle looked like a leet in need of glasses.
"You haven't got any pinkies, leet."
"Dewd! Name's Skittle! Skittle the Feral!"
Skittle grinned. "Skittle has lots of pinkies!
Got tons of them in jars at home!"
"I think I'm going to be sick" Twicer
moaned at the thought of a leet with a Pinky Jar
collection. But then again, why not? He'd certainly
seen stranger things. Most of them involving atroxes.
"Yes, eh.." Twicer said, his voice filled
with hesitation. It wasn't every day one was confronted
with a leet of this intelligence. Normally they
tended to wobble away after a short while, their
short attentionspan changing direction to something
"Yes, well.. You see..." Twicer started
but never got around to finishing the sentence
before Skittle cut him off.
"No. I mean, that's Roxxor behind you!"
There was a thud and then silence as Twicer's
body sagged even further down in the grass.
"What should we do with him?" Roxxor
asked after spitting out the baseball bat.
"Skittle keep him?" Skittle beamed happily
and nuzzled Twicer's face. "Nose is very
nice and bitey!" Skittle said, proudly showing
Roxxor the bitemark on Twicer's nose.
"Any phat lewt?" Roxxor undressed Twicer
with his leety eyes and decided to dress him up
instead. Nanomage white meat is an acquired taste,
even for leets.
"No. But nice, bitey nose!" Skittle
chirped and wobbled slightly up and down. Skittle
always made Roxxor a bit nervous. It wasn't proper,
thought Roxxor in his own leety ways. Killing
humans because they attacked, yes, he could certainly
do with that. Nipping them in the bum for intruding
on the territory, yes, he'd certainly done that.
But leetnapping, that's where he drew the line.
It just wasn't proper at all.
"You keep him then. Just make sure the boss
don't find out." he said and scuttled away,
leaving Skittle with the unconscious nanomage.
"Wake up, dewd!" Skittle put his wet
nose against Twicer's. Leets communicate a lot
with their noses, Twicer had learned in his studies.
This specific nose-to-nose treatment seemed to
be number 122 - How To Wake People, squeezed in
between 121 - Wanna Make Out? and 123 - Is It
Dead Yet? Sometimes leets would get them confused
and have a very bad time indeed. Twicer woke up
and grabbed his nose which hurt a little. He could
feel the back of his head throb from pain.
"Ow... where am I? Where are my clothes!"
he was dressed in only his regular clothes worn
under the nanoarmor. He looked around for his
Omni-Tek issued equipment but to no avail. The
hut he had woken up in, because that's what it
was, looked suspiciously much like a swamp den
but to his amazement it was filled with pictures
of leets and a small table with a bowl of oozing
brown fluid that smelled slightly like chocolate.
One poster took up the better part of the left
wall - the headline said "The Erotic Adventures
of Herculeet" and had a picture of a Skittle
the Feral in what on closer inspection turned
out to be stockings and a leather band around
"Oh my god.." Twicer closed his eyes
trying to get the mental image out of his head
but failing miserably. It was one of those things
that sort of stuck in your mind. Especially if
you're an impressionable nanomage.
"Pron!" Skittle announced, wiggling
its tail and grinning madly.
"Look.. Herculeet..." Twicer dragged
himself up to a sitting position.
"Call me Skittle! Herculeet is stagename.
Haven't used in many many years." Skittle
said and scratched behind its ear with the foot.
"Just how old are you then?"
"One?" Skittle suggested after some
"But you just said...!" Twicer began
to protest but was interrupted.
"Remember who's got who by the nose, human!"
Skittle said, huffing up into Twicer's lap, staring
at him and to his amazement, Twicer found himself
stared down by the angered little leet.
"Why were you spying on us, dewd?" Skittle
commanded and Twicer found himself again under
the inspecting gaze of the leet in his lap.
"So - that movie any good?" he said,
changing the topic from one that would probably
lead to Skittle practicing his nibbling skills
once again to one that was at least moderately
"Best movie ever! Has everything! Pron, candy
and leets!" Skittle chirped happily. "Best
is the end sequence when Herculeet gets the girl!"
"Yes, I bet you loved that.."
"First he kill evil rollerrats and gets girl,
goes behind a rock and then.." Skittle continued,
voice lowered as if hinting to licentious pleasures..
"..Then nuzzle!" Skittle pattered leety
little feet on the ground and turned around with
a chirping noise.
"Yes? And then ..?" Twicer asked.
"What do you mean And Then? What else is
there! Hopeless human!" Skittle rolled his
leety little eyes and sighed leetily. "You're
not too bright are you, human? Skittle will show
you around Leetville - yes, that's what Skittle
will do! Maybe then stupid you wont ask so stupid
Skittle padded over to the makeshift door to the
hut and pushed it open after some effort and then
stepped outside, closely followed by Twicer. "This
cant be happening" he thought as the village
unraveled itself before his very eyes. "There
were no files on anything like this! And no one
will believe me either because I don't have my
recording equipment with me!" the village
was clearly an abandoned swamp den village, which
had after some major reconstruction been remade
to house leets. Twicer was used to seeing packs
of leets - after all, the backyards had tons of
them, but this.. The village must have housed
at least twenty swampfiends, but in leet-standards
it was a metropolis. Small pathways had been painstakingly
trod out. There were huts that clearly had been
modified to house whole families of leets. Twicer
was amazed and felt very out-of-place. There were
small roadsigns saying "This way", "Another
Way" and "Right Way".
The recording equipment! Where could it be? He
turned his head towards what seemed to be an almost
temple-like structure where a familiar shape of
technology was piled up in the middle of a circle.
Leets in small, ill-fitting robes had gathered
around his zoom-lens camera with one leet standing
in the middle, wobbling up and down slowly, chanting.
Twicer realized that it must have been the high
priest. No other leet would have the words "Hi
preest" on the back of its robe. The rest
of the circle had the words "Acoleet"
"Phat lewt!" grinned Skittle and looked
up into Twicer's eyes, smiling.
"That's my camera that is!" Twicer said
and pointed towards the circle.
"Tough! Ours now! Hehe." Skittle mused.
"Its shiny and funny and makes whirring noises.
Skittle saw Bucky get too close to it and... FLASH!"
Skittle's eyes grew wide in awe. "Big flash!
They say it steals leet's souls! Bucky say he
still can see stars when he closes his eyes!"
"What, my camera?"
"Told you! Ours now!" Skittle pointed
towards the circle with his nose. "Mojo the
priest is going to excersize it!"
"What, like.. Take it out for a walk?"
"No! Stupid, stupid human! Mojo destroy it
to release Bucky's soul!"
"He's going to exorcise my camera?"
Twicer raised an eyebrow and after some consideration
raised the other one as well. This might be interesting,
he thought and sat down. Skittle hopped into his
lap and Twicer absentmindedly started scratching
Skittle behind the ears, making him chirp and
The circle around the camera widened as the high
priest Mojo started swaying back and forth and
humming in leetlanguage - ancient but yet melodic
tones. After a few minutes, Bucky was led out
of a nearby hut by two blackhooded leets, leading
him down towards the lens of the camera with his
eyes closed. He was placed before the lens of
the camera and then several things happened at
Twicer could see how a curious acoleet had crept
up behind the camera, carefully sniffing on it
leetily. At the same time, one of the blackhooded
leets, which will be called Leet#1 managed to
snag his foot in a small root and started tumbling
past Bucky, towards the other blackhooded leet,
which will be called Leet#2. Twicer could see
how Leet#1 hit Leet#2 in what would have been
a perfect tackle, toppling both over onto the
ground and started rolling against and through
the circle of acoleets, knocking over Leet#3,
Leet#4 and Leet#5 at the same time as Mojo started
squealing a warning. This had two effects - the
first one being Bucky opening his eyes, finding
himself looking into the soulsucking lens of the
camera and promptly wetting himself from the shock.
The scream also startled the acoleet behind the
camera currently sniffing on one of many buttons.
The flash was blinding. Screams of terror reached
Twicers ears but it was nothing compared to the
scream from Mojo, as he found himself nose to
nose with Bucky, who at the moment was a very
unhappy leet. Having one's soul sucked out not
once but twice, Bucky decided he'd had just about
enough, and as Mojo turned to run, Bucky ran after
him kicking Mojo in his leety behind while screaming
at the top of his leety lungs "Wtf! Wtf!
"Skittle think Mojo not high priest for long
now." Skittle said sadly shaking his head
slowly. He hopped down from Twicer's lap and nudged
the leg of the nanomage. "Follow Skittle!
Skittle show you more!"
Last updated 19. December 2003