||Leets are the most loved
critter in the whole of Rubi-Ka and its hard to
resist their childish charm, so naturally, we
sent Twicer out to do some research about them
but he found himself in way over his head when
encountering the small town of Leetville..
Leetville is story series, describing the ongoing
adventures of Twicer as he discovers the wondrous
world of Leetville! Special thanks to numerous
leets and adventurers as well as Nepentheia. No
leets were harmed in this production - Twicer,
on the other hand...
Skittle's scampering little steps took the duo
to a small pathway littered with debris. Various
items lay scattered around, some must have been
lying here for years, there were grass growing
over them, and in some cases, out of them. On
the top of the hill Twicer could see a large tree
and directly underneath it were two huts. Thick,
billowy smoke was coming out of one of the huts,
and a short, tubby leet out of the other, covered
in soot. It had small goggles and a Rollerrat-helmet,
which must've been shrunk in the laundry at least
ten times to make it fit.
"Take cover!" the leet screamed as it
dived behind Twicer and assumed a rolled-up position
behind his foot. Skittle looked at the hut, then
at Twicer. Then at the hut again, as if to ascertain
what to do. Skittle managed to dive behind Twicer
before the explosion sent the smaller of the two
huts up in the air like a rocket. Twicer managed
to duck just as a flying metal sheet soared through
the air threatening to lop off his head. A thunk
and a metallic wobbling sound was heard when it
settled in a tree behind him.
"Mother of Mocham!" Twicer exclaimed.
"What in the world was that?!" while
Skittle and the sootcovered leet got on their
"Wtf!" Skittle was in shock and stood
on shaking little leety feet.
"Who's the big one?" asked the leet,
who Twicer assumed was Izzy, like huts getting
blown up was an everyday event. He eyed the nanomage
as if he only just now had noticed that his make-do
cover was actually attached to a leg, which in
turn was attached to.. Something else. Leets knowledge
of human anatomy was fairly limited but whatever
it was, it was big and had possibly just saved
him a few bruises from the flying debris.
"Mine!" chirped Skittle leetily and
nuzzled Twicer's foot. "Nuzzly and warm and
big. But so stupid!" he added. Twicer sighed
and turned to look at the huts again. Where the
small hut used to be there were now a cloud of
ashenfilled smoke clearing up revealing what once
could've passed for scientific equipment but now
had been reduced to sooty rubble. In the middle
of the Rockethut's launchpad stood a tubby leet
swaying back and forth insecurily, smoke coming
out of its ears and nostrils. The fur on top of
the leet's head had been burnt off in a perfect
circle which made it look somewhat like a reversed
"urk" it said and then fell backwards
into the soot.
"Sumo!" Izzy the leet screamed. The
two leets scuttled into the hut and Twicer kneeled
"urk" Sumo repeated and then fainted
with his tubby legs up in the air. It would've
been quite a moving scene if it wasn't for the
fact that Sumo started snoring very loudly once
he had passed out.
"What happened?" Twicer asked while
Izzy shook his helmet off.
"Explosion! You didn't see it?" Izzy
chirped. "Skittle was right - you are stupid,
"I mean, why was there an explosion?"
"Oh." Izzy seemed to consider this for
a while and scratched the back of his ear. "Sumo
say 'this part go here?' then Izzy say 'no' but
Sumo still put that part there. Then.. Boom! Sumo
almost as bright as you, eh? Hehe." Izzy
snickered and nudged Sumo over to the side.
"Is he okay?" Twicer asked.
"Izzy okay!" Izzy said, deciding for
himself that something must've hit the stupid
human on the head in the blast after all.
"Izzy fine - Sumo the hurt one!" Skittle
explained to Twicer, as Izzy inched over to a
chest which had come out of the blast relatively
unscathed, lifted the lid on it and took out some
bandages. The roll of bandages rolled towards
Twicer and the leets looked at him expectantly.
"Yes, yes, all right then" Twicer bandaged
up Sumo's head the best he could which resulted
in Sumo looking like a leet with a mummy-fetish.
Twicer picked up sumo using both his hands to
carry him into the larger hut. He had to use both
hands, as lifting Sumo was about as easy as lifting
a miniature bulldozer. Whatever Sumo had been
eating, it was probably at least triple rations,
Twicer thought. Skittle and Izzy wobbled into
the hut closely followed by the lumbering nanomage.
Twicer had imagined the hut to be adorned with
the same sort of leety sense of interior decorating
that was Skittle's hut, perhaps with the exception
of the Herculeet-poster. However, the huts interior
was filled to the brim with scavenged technological
items, although Twicer had to admit that some
had been modified beyond comprehension. Others
were obviously broken, and yet others must be
working since once in a while a small diode came
to live and went "You have voicemail".
"Stfu! Stfu!" Izzy mumbled, and hurriedly
covered the answering machine and manically pressed
a few buttons which belonged to something completely
different. The diode went silent after a short
time and Izzy beamed.
"LeetTech!" he said proudly. "Izzy
invented that... thingy!" Izzy continued
and his leety little chest sucked in so much air
that he looked like the proudest little balloon
leet ever seen on the face of Rubi-Ka.
"No you didn't!" Twicer protested. "Its
just junk that's been.."
"IZZY. INVENTED. IT!" Izzy stared coldly
into the eyes of the nanomage and while Twicer
felt like protesting, he also favored a continued
use of his big toes and sagged down and nodded
"Izzy invent lots of kewl stuff!" Skittle
said and nuzzled what looked like a very old cyberdeck.
Twicer prayed silently that it still had the unique
DNA-identification activated, or there could very
well be another blast and Sumo was already bald
- any more hairloss and they might as well shave
him and paint him red and he might've passed off
for a rollerrat. He had the shape for it, certainly.
"Oh, yes, I can see - lots of.. Eh.. Neat
stuff in here definitely!" Twicer agreed
while trying to identify the various items scattered
across what could have been a living room. "You've
been doing this long then?" he asked.
"Izzy inherit business after great grandpa
since he left us!" Izzy chirped happily.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that your grandpa
is dead, I really am" said Twicer.
"Not dead! Leets don't die! Grandpa invent
long pointy rockety thing with chair attached
to it, then grandpa press big red button and went
'Oh, shi-' and zoomed away!" Izzy beamed.
Twicer said nothing at first but let the words
slowly settle in his mind.
"This long pointy rockety thing.. You don't
think it was anything like say... a rocket?"
"Izzy don't know, Izzy took cover under the
table!" Izzy chirped and wiggled his tail.
As Twicer began constructing a sentence, he was
interrupted by a groaning sound coming from Sumo
who had elevated his head slightly to look at
the ensemble. This involved him looking over his
tummy, quite the achievement considering Sumo
was about 90% tummy.
"Urk" the leet said as it slowly raised
to its stumpy little leetlegs and sat up.
"Welcome back!" chirped Izzy and nuzzled
Sumo's nose on the side.
After Sumo had been sent off to Terri the Healeet
("Heal leet..? Ow! My toe!" .. "Stupid
human!") to get his head examined, Izzy had
insisted on showing Twicer and Skittle around
the premises. Or to be more precise, the back
of the hill on which the hut stood. Twicer had
been hesitant at first but Skittle had put on
his best puppyeye-look and threatened him to nibble
him, so here they were, in the backyard. Izzy
had pointed out various items he had invented
since his grandpa had left the business and while
most of it looked like it had been modified by
simply gluing various bits and pieces together,
Twicer found to his amazement that some of the
items actually worked. Especially bewildering
this was in cases when Twicer knew the item should
by no standards work, like the combined toaster
oven/hologram projector which simply was held
together by some duct tape but regardless worked
like a charm. Every time the toaster oven ejected,
the hologram projector would display a hologram
of a leet dancing for a few seconds.
Back on old earth existed a creature called bumblebees.
By the laws of thermodynamics, bumblebees could
under no circumstance fly. However, as no one
had told the bumblebees this, they continued doing
it regardless of what the laws of thermodynamics
deemed possible. Twicer assumed that the technology
worked because, like the bumblebees of old earth,
it just didn't know better.
Twicer's eyes fell upon a strange machine which
seemed a bit more put together than the other
inventions. It consisted of a large, hollow tube
with a giant battery attached to the back of it
and a multitude of optical scanning instruments
and arms tooled for various tasks. Furthermore
it had a large chute sticking out of its side.
Seemingly leading into the weirdlooking tube.
"What's this thing here?" Twicer asked
pointing to the invention.
"Oh that. That's just the Leetbot massproducer."
Izzy shrugged and began trodding off hurriedly
but found his leety paws trying to paddle air
as Twicer lifted him up and looked into his eyes
"Leetbot massproducer! Let me go, stupid!"
Izzy said and paddled frenetically in the air
while he squirmed in Twicers hands.
"Show me." Twicer demanded and put the
leet down on the ground.
For a second, Izzy pondered whether to bite Twicer's
toe or not. At this specific time it seemed like
a bad idea. Instead, Izzy walked up to the massproducer
and as he studied it, the leet's eyes became clearer
and eons of inventor-specific genes were summoned
upon. Looking at the leet, Twicer could for a
split second see what sort of genius had spawned
the invention. The leet had the look of someone
possessing a very special kind of intelligence,
one that could be called upon when it was really
needed and Twicer found himself looking at the
leet in a new way. On the one hand, there was
Izzy, the slightly confused dingbat but the leet
in front of him right now was Izleeter the scientist
and Twicer was in awe of him. In his eyes lay
the gleam of an intelligence beyond comprehension.
Izleeter scuttled up to what looked like a keypad
controller and hit a few buttons and the machine
came to life. Electric bolts licked the inside
of the hollow tube and the sprawling arms came
to life. Izleeter turned to Twicer and pointed
with his nose against some metallic plates lying
near the machine. Twicer picked them up and on
the instruction of the leet heaved them into the
"LeetTech! LeetTech! LeetTech!" Skittle
chanted happily and wiggled his tail. The inventor's
eyes had turned back to those of Izzy, the slightly
warped technogeek and Twicer gawked.
"But.. this technology doesn't exist!"
he finally mustered after some dumbstruck silence.
Izzy gave him a knowing little smile, scratched
behind his ear and winked at the nanomage. Compared
to the other junk, this machine was an engineering
marvel and by all rights should not exist. It
was like LeetTech had not so much evolved through
a string of smaller inventions but rather took
giant mutated leaps in evolution. Twicer felt
as if he had been shown hypernanite technology
built by a civilization that had decided that
inventing the wheel was a total waste of time
and skipped forwards a few thousand years to focus
on the really neat stuff.
"Jobe is pwned." it mused. "Now
cuddle Izzy or Izzy tailwhap you!"
Twicer rolled his eyes and sighed and his hands
started towards the leet but stopped when he heard
a patter of feet behind him. He turned around
and found himself facing an out-of-breath leet
wearing a small metal helmet with a spike on.
"Its the rollerrats! Come quick!" it
Last updated 19. December 2003